I have been having a really bad day today, nothing new there. It all started with breakfast...
I had this amazing plan to take some food into my room to make everyone think I was eating breakfast which would stop them from bothering me as much throughout the day when I am more vulnerable to having actual meal . But I made the stupid mistake of serving myself weetbix. Now to you this might not sound appetizing, but weetbix to me is like crack to Amy Winehouse.
So I ate it and felt pretty awful, after all it was only 10 in the morning. Then I went over to my nonna's house with the family to move some furniture, and it was there that I demolished her candy jar of hazelnut toffees. Now normally I wouldn't go near toffees, but because was still upset about eating breakfast I sought food for comfort. Besides these toffees tasted just like nutella, only with the gorgeous texture combination of slightly crisp and chewy toffee with a smooth chocolate center.
Then I had a binge of soya crisps, chocolate and trail mix when I got home, and yes I am talking about a proper binge not these "oh I ate like 1 handful of sultana, woe is me". When I binge it ends up with me being in an immense amount of physical pain.
So felling pretty crap as you can imagine. Although I did get the privilege of having my heater back. My mother took it away while I was in hospital and stated that if I wanted to stay warm then I should put on more clothes (she means weight). Even though everyone else in the family has their own heater, and did I mention that inside my room often reaches 2 degrees celsius in the winter?
I ran into my father, he asked if I was okay and I told him that I didn't want to talk about it. I thanked him for his concern and went to leave for my room. Then he gave me a hug. Now I am ridiculously awkward when it comes to physical affection, actually any affection at all. So I just froze, and I could feel his arms wrapped softly on my back. All I could think was "oh god feel that fat between his hands and my bones, that's disgusting" and finally he said "I am really worried about you, I can see that your weight is declining again, all I can feel is bone. I just want you to be healthy you are so important." But I couldn't believe him, surprisingly to me I don't believe it at all, there isn't the tiniest part of me that thinks I may actually be too thin, because to me I look the same as I always have. Though my scales say I have lost weight, my mirror tells me differently.
Anyway I just want to go to sleep and forget about the day, which won't happen because I can't sleep anymore. Still I want to forget about all that I ate and how I will look and feel tomorrow. I especially want to forget about the whole day that was wasted not studying for exams. Most of all I want to forget that I have made my father worry. I wish I were invisible so he wouldn't see me, wouldn't worry about me.
