Comforting Numbness

I had a long day, full of studying and a soreness penetrating throughout my body from lugging 2 bags worth of textbooks and a laptop around. In the evening I met up with my family who were having fish and chips for dinner. I used to love going there as a kid, I would always have my fish fingers and chips with the 'special' seasoning, and then finish it off with a kids cone (ice-cream). Tonight I wasn't temped at all, I sat there while they ate. Almost fearful of being near the food in case someone the grease would be absorbed into my body. I can't imagine how I ever enjoyed it before.

Once I got home I went in to have a shower. I watched myself in the mirror as I took off each item of clothing. Now I know that sounds slightly perverted but it has become a ritual for me. It is like unwrapping a present, with each piece of clothing a new body part would be revealed. When i took off my jumper i could see my jagged shoulders, when i took off my shirt I could see the ribs creating a wave pattern along my back. There is something beautiful about seeing the bones through your skin, as discussing as it sounds. It calms me, makes me feel serene, at peace. Then again that peacefulness may just be caused by me not eating all day and overexerting myself.

I am finally starting to feel comfortable in my body again, I don't particularly care if I step on the scales tomorrow and the number hasn't dropped. Mind you if it goes up then that is a completely different matter. But for now I am content with this body, and the numbness maintaining it provides me.

Another day, another cloudy memory...

Words Exchanged

I have been having a really bad day today, nothing new there. It all started with breakfast...
I had this amazing plan to take some food into my room to make everyone think I was eating breakfast which would stop them from bothering me as much throughout the day when I am more vulnerable to having actual meal . But I made the stupid mistake of serving myself weetbix. Now to you this might not sound appetizing, but weetbix to me is like crack to Amy Winehouse.

So I ate it and felt pretty awful, after all it was only 10 in the morning. Then I went over to my nonna's house with the family to move some furniture, and it was there that I demolished her candy jar of hazelnut toffees. Now normally I wouldn't go near toffees, but because was still upset about eating breakfast I sought food for comfort. Besides these toffees tasted just like nutella, only with the gorgeous texture combination of slightly crisp and chewy toffee with a smooth chocolate center.

Then I had a binge of soya crisps, chocolate and trail mix when I got home, and yes I am talking about a proper binge not these "oh I ate like 1 handful of sultana, woe is me". When I binge it ends up with me being in an immense amount of physical pain.

So felling pretty crap as you can imagine. Although I did get the privilege of having my heater back. My mother took it away while I was in hospital and stated that if I wanted to stay warm then I should put on more clothes (she means weight). Even though everyone else in the family has their own heater, and did I mention that inside my room often reaches 2 degrees celsius in the winter?

I ran into my father, he asked if I was okay and I told him that I didn't want to talk about it. I thanked him for his concern and went to leave for my room. Then he gave me a hug. Now I am ridiculously awkward when it comes to physical affection, actually any affection at all. So I just froze, and I could feel his arms wrapped softly on my back. All I could think was "oh god feel that fat between his hands and my bones, that's disgusting" and finally he said "I am really worried about you, I can see that your weight is declining again, all I can feel is bone. I just want you to be healthy you are so important." But I couldn't believe him, surprisingly to me I don't believe it at all, there isn't the tiniest part of me that thinks I may actually be too thin, because to me I look the same as I always have. Though my scales say I have lost weight, my mirror tells me differently.

Anyway I just want to go to sleep and forget about the day, which won't happen because I can't sleep anymore. Still I want to forget about all that I ate and how I will look and feel tomorrow. I especially want to forget about the whole day that was wasted not studying for exams. Most of all I want to forget that I have made my father worry. I wish I were invisible so he wouldn't see me, wouldn't worry about me.